


dive

by pxraxise



Category: Penumbra (Video Games)
Genre: Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 19:34:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18037544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pxraxise/pseuds/pxraxise
Summary: i dunno what this is but its clarence and philip in whatever situation and in whatever au because y'know whats better then one dickhead? two





	1. Chapter 1

so, philip.

 

hes in a corner.

 

and usually, he's under better circumstances when he's in a corner.

 

 

"c'mon monkey, stay still, y'know how this works."

 

this must be how red felt.

 

"aye,  _aye!_ i dont appreciate the sass y'givin me philip!"

 

fuck you.

 

"ha, pal, y'wish! don't make me call him to us buddy, because either way hes getting real close! and y'know what we do? ear to ear pal. that's what we do."

 

philip bit his lip, trying to not shake in front of the infected that was looking around for him.

 

not funny.

 

"it was perfectly funny! i love it when you, a monkey, gets all scared like that. want a banana?"

 

im gonna make sure we die one day

 

"nope, im not allowing that. not like the way you's thinkin'. nuh uh."

 

the infected walked off, discouraged and frustrated at not being able to find him.

 

"you gonna like, get up now?" 

 

he got up, slowly and carefully.

 

"up and at em, c'mon. dont be like that with me."

 

he sighed softly, doing just as asked by the virus.

 

"thank you." 

 

and suddenly a tuurngait pops out, running.

 

philip freezes.

 

hes slapped. and the tuurngait disappears.

 

clarence laughs his ass off, wheezy and warm as his laugh spreads through his body.

 

"the human mind is so easy and simple, lemme tell ya-"

 

philip got pranked.

 

he hates clarence, but atleast he can remain a source of light joy when the time is convenient.


	2. eggs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> modern au, the whole thing of penumbra never happened but we still stan clarence so

philip decides to make a three cheese lasagna.

 

"bad choice, monkey. stick to the marie callendar's for another month."

 

fuck off.

 

"buddy, when y'kitchen's on fire you are going to  ** _WISH_**." 

 

he put on his apron, got on his old monitor that ran slow due to clarence's insist of getting games.

 

found a cooking blog that seemed trustworthy enough.

 

"pal, that  _shit_ looks like it was written by some forty year old single mother of 3 kids who ain't got shit going for her in life

—now you tell me, would you accept cooking advice from somebody like that?"

 

you got something better?

 

"...i mean, probably-"

 

 

he got out his lasagna pan he bought a week ago, and read the instructions out accordingly.

 

"you humans and pasta, jesus."

 

he ignored the comment from clarence, laying out the sheets of pasta and tomato sauce and cheese.

 

"that's  _alot've_ cheese, seriously. you sure y'won't croak or somethin'?"

 

clarence, if the italians turned out okay what do you think?

 

"i think the italians fucked up on the health department, how about you?"

 

philip sighed, and after a long 10 minutes, he finally put the lasagna in the oven at around 450° until the 15-20 minutes were up.

 

"do you happen to have the fire department on speed-dial?"

 

do you happen to shut the fuck up?

 

"i mean—no, but that ain't the point here-"

 

he groans. "shut uuuuup!" he gripped at his hair.

 

"hey, that ain't cool, stop it."

 

"how can you feel it when you dont even have hair?"

 

"you don't know the appearance i sculpted using our head!"

 

"i don't wanna know!"

 

"im quite stunning, i'll have you know! get me a mirror."

 

"nope."

 

"c'mon."

 

he grumbled, walking over into his bathroom and stared in the mirror.

 

"okay, close y'eyes." 

 

he did.

 

"open."

 

and he did that too.

 

he found a 5'5 man, light brown wavy yet curly hair, black sclera and bright brown eyes with olive skin. he had a shirt saying 'im with stupid.' with an arrow pointing toward philip.

 

and he was doing finger guns.

 

wouldn't be half bad if he didnt have those eyes.

 

"not a bad handle, eh?"

 

he stopped doing finger guns, patting his back. 

 

philip shifted slightly, a little uncomfortable.

 

"not what i expected." he mutters.

 

"i feel the same way, like the shirt?"

 

"its so...'you' it hurts-"

 

"uh huh, y'damn right."

 

philip laughed softly, i guess he wasn't so bad looking.

 

"im still in your head."

 

philip's face turned red.

 

"don't worry, compliments are free of charge."

 

"i hate you."

 

"love you too, pal, now can i play something to pass the time for the lasagna?"

 

he groaned, but he felt some sort've way of him saying he loved philip.

 

"fine."

 

he closed his eyes, and allowed clarence to take control of his body.

 

"alright, thanks pal."

 

philip groaned from the depths of his mind.

 

 

 

he walked out of the bathroom, getting onto the monitor and closing the blog, a smirk on his face.

 

"hey, what the hell?"

 

"dont worry, monkey. you'll live."

 

he loaded up 'dishonored'

 

philip wasnt into gory games, but clarence adored them.

 

15 minutes passed, and philip poked his temple.

 

"what do y'need? got a young empress to save."

 

"15 minutes, mind checking for me?" 

 

"ugh, fine!" he paused, looking over to the oven door window

 

"how does it look to you?"

 

"perfect."

 

"gotcha." he put on the oven mitt and took out the lightly bubbling steaming lasagna.

 

"i assume we rest that for five minutes."

 

"fuck that shit, monkey. i want to  _eat._ " 

 

"alright, but your burning my tongue too!"

 

 

"fine with me."

 

 

clarence placed a nice sized portion of the lasagna onto a plate, grabbing a fork.

 

 

he broke off a piece using the fork, and ate said piece after blowing on it as philip advised.

 

 

it was good.

 

hot, but good.

 

"hmm, guess we should have more forty year old single moms teach us how to cook?"

 

"definitely."


End file.
